March 13th, 2010


Sifting and sorting

I haven't been able to face the computer for a week.

Just walking past the spare room would speed up my heart rate. I've been shaking, crying, nauseous. Why? It's not because I didn't know what I'd find here, but because I knew exactly what I'd find here - or so I thought. Kind people are offering support, not to oppose anyone, but to let me know they care.

There's not going to be a huge wave of fury flowing in the opposite direction, equal to or greater than the one that came at me. We're just going to turn away from this and be friendly and kind to each other far from the madding crowd. That's all I want.

I won't be answering any LJ messages or PMs for a while. Bear with me. I'm not in a good place right now, and need some time to heal up. I'll get round to defriending people who no longer want to know me, and removing stuff from the Archives, etc. I can't face doing it right now; acknowledging the reinforcement that the bad guys have been allowed to win, and always will be. That hurts far too much. When I'm feeling better, I will do those things because it would be wrong not to. But I'll do it later.

What it is, my heart is broken. I loved my LJ friends, and there's nothing I wouldn't have done for them. I believed my sentiments were fully reciprocated and that we were like a great and groovy online family. I thought they loved me too. Discovering so brutally that I was wrong has wounded me to the core. I can't deal with the fallout at the moment, but I will do so in manageable chunks until it's all gone and forgotten.

Damn, I was such an idealist before all this!

Just sayin'.