The Long Dark

Well, this is it. I've gone.

Can We Talk? has been handed over to the most reliable of my mods, Al, and he will keep things going. I'll abandon this LJ account and unf-lock the f-locked pages. After that, it's over.

The Creepy Crew is responsible for this: it's what they wanted, and I refuse to be their plaything any more. Those of you who refuse to see them for what they are will find out sooner or later that I was right. And serve you right when you do! I did try to warn you, after all.

As for my associated sites, I've not decided what to do with them yet. We'll see.
Goodbye, all.

BTW I've changed the email address for this so I won't be receiving any comments or messages for this account. It's over.

Lights out

I've decided to quit fanfiction.

With more reasons to go than to stay, there's not much point waiting for yet another so-called friend to stonewall and ignore me, then tell me to take part in an online slanging match I want nothing to do with. I'll abandon this blog, but make public the f-locked posts I want people to see.

If anyone wants to stay in touch, let me know, and I'll make arrangements.

I may elect to shut down the Archives and associated sites. Let me know what you want done with those.

That is all.
Caught off Camera


Still not the searchlight voice of the enquiring mind
Give it aid and comfort. It is not the enemy
Though it tears down walls - revealing who knows what?
A percussion of skeletons to rattle and remind us of our faults.
The truth points to itself with a ghostly hand
Howling in the sounds of souls who might have seen better days
But never lived them.

Truth stands sentinel beside the voice of reason
Steadfast and sure despite the best efforts of the chattering classes
Who veil reality with sophistry and emotive turns of phrase.
Riled up, unthinking people react to what they feel - turn truth aside and ride
A rollercoaster running on imaginary threats.
Excitement hides the knowledge they pretend to seek
Beneath feigned belief.

Beauty is not truth. Manufactured or presented as a matter of opinion
Beauty is only ever in the eye of the beholder.
Truth is just there. At times, it frays the fabric of the ties that bind
When beauty matters more than truth. They cannot coexist in peace
One tears at the other, marring and distorting the perceptions of those
Whose views are skewed to favour peace at any price. But truth is always
Worth the sacrifice.

What next, if truth is all we have, and nothing more?
But truth is all there is. For God is truth - the Devil is in the details
Painting in colours we wish to perceive the beauties we want to believe.
War is Hell, but there is a way out: to suffer here and now the slings and arrows
Of the outraged in the hope of a better tomorrow.
The truth hurts. It always will, for truth is unyielding, unmoved and unmoving
Because it is.

- Copied to Writers Rendezvous.

One day at a time

It's a very slow process, but I'm starting to feel better. Blessed normality and finding more distractions is definitely doing me good. Last night Richard and I went to dinner with the neighbours who have come to us for dinner a few times.

Shirley did a lovely chicken dinner served with a lovely white wine. Richard and I provided dessert. It was Shirley's birthday recently, so he baked her a banana cake deluxe. This had walnuts, cherries and dried fruit in it. Very nice. I made a trifle from scratch. Sort of. I got some jelly from the shop and poured boiling water over it. I added dried sponge fingers and left it to set. Later, I made some custard and poured that over the set jelly. Then I whipped some cream up and added Butterscotch Angel Delight, then topped the lot with sugar strands. The custard was a bit runny, but man, it tasted good! Richard also made an apple pie.

Three dessert items in one night! Such debauchery! Guilty as charged. *Raises hand* I was so stuffed afterwards I had to kick back on the sofa for a while. Richard showed them our holiday photos from the Irish holiday. Good times!

There's still some stuff rumbling away in the background, but as I've always said, anyone who wants to find the truth has only got to look, but they must do so by themselves without any "guidance" from others - not even me. That's HOW to make your own mind up. Otherwise, you'll come to a conclusion that is not your own.

Just sayin'.

Sifting and sorting

I haven't been able to face the computer for a week.

Just walking past the spare room would speed up my heart rate. I've been shaking, crying, nauseous. Why? It's not because I didn't know what I'd find here, but because I knew exactly what I'd find here - or so I thought. Kind people are offering support, not to oppose anyone, but to let me know they care.

There's not going to be a huge wave of fury flowing in the opposite direction, equal to or greater than the one that came at me. We're just going to turn away from this and be friendly and kind to each other far from the madding crowd. That's all I want.

I won't be answering any LJ messages or PMs for a while. Bear with me. I'm not in a good place right now, and need some time to heal up. I'll get round to defriending people who no longer want to know me, and removing stuff from the Archives, etc. I can't face doing it right now; acknowledging the reinforcement that the bad guys have been allowed to win, and always will be. That hurts far too much. When I'm feeling better, I will do those things because it would be wrong not to. But I'll do it later.

What it is, my heart is broken. I loved my LJ friends, and there's nothing I wouldn't have done for them. I believed my sentiments were fully reciprocated and that we were like a great and groovy online family. I thought they loved me too. Discovering so brutally that I was wrong has wounded me to the core. I can't deal with the fallout at the moment, but I will do so in manageable chunks until it's all gone and forgotten.

Damn, I was such an idealist before all this!

Just sayin'.

An Open Letter to Everyone

Well, it's come to this: I'm out of the Tolkien fandom on LJ and associated fansites.

This means I won't be posting stories anywhere except fanfiction.net and my own blogs, and will not take part in the contests or challenges I usually participate in. I've left of my own accord, not because of the people behind all the wank, but because everybody else has either deserted me or sided with the people who have been trying to push me out for over three years. In this fandom, drama is common, and includes intimidation, harassment and other unpleasantness that everyone else ignores because they don't want to deal with it.

Collapse )

To be a target is to be alone. "Wendy's the target 'cause y'all won't stop talking about her."

Anyone who thinks this crap will stop because I've quit the Tolkien fandom is wrong. It's not going to stop until I quit everything. But as long as I've got one friend to stick by me in the other places I post, I'll stay in those places.

Just sayin'.



Honesty: the best policy

I must confess I didn't see this coming. Not at all. The responses I've had have astounded me. In fact, the most astounding is, "How would you feel if Marta excluded someone you liked from the MEFAs?"

I'd accept her right to run her stuff as she so desires. If she wants to ban me from this year's MEFAs, I won't object. If I've voted for someone she was offended by, I didn't realise I was doing so. I wouldn't insult her by doing so deliberately. I'd consider that wrong, and couldn't bring myself to do such a thing, however much I like a particular writer's story.

That she's able to rise above that kind of thing is impressive, but I can't get there myself. I'm too sore. I'm all kinds of sore. In any case, I've probably turned everyone against me by not being transparent about this, so I might as well not take part this year.

The fact is, all my online activities are completely subjective. All my e-spaces are only open to people I either get along with or regard neutrally. This is my policy everywhere. To be perfectly honest, I thought people realised that. If people fail to understand why, I can't understand them, but I can't argue or object because I won't get through. I've tried.

The Archives of Excellence has references to "we" because most of the featured writers were recommended by other people. I've never heard of most of them, but when I checked their stuff out, I saw it was good enough and let it on. Some of the fandoms were completely new to me, and in one or two cases I didn't really like them, but the quality of the writing is high, so they're on.

Per the advice I've been given, I'm going to change the rules of the Golden Quill Award

I've been offered no concessions for changing my mind, so I won't give ground. I'll restructure it so it's clear that it's a purely subjective Wendy thing and only people I like or regard neutrally can participate. Since this clears the field for people who don't usually win awards to get something, it should free them up a bit.

Taking part in the Awards is empahtically NOT taking sides: you don't have to like ME to take part - just being neutral will do. AND I'm announcing a one-time general amnesty on all the new haters IF they quit the carping, which means they can be nominated. Voting is completely anonymous, so it doesn't matter who votes and I've got no control over it. That is as far as I'll go.

I have NO desire to associate in any way with people who behave badly towards me. People who refuse to accept that are welcome to set up their own awards. It's not hard.